Cerita pada Air Terjun yang Ukurannya Relatif Kecil. Terjadi pada Pukul 10 Malam.

Pukul 10 

Malam.

Terbangun karena suara bising kendaraan,

Dia membuka.

Mata dan indera.

Agak terkejap,

langit masih gelap.

Terkesiap, ada suara lain malam itu.

Tidak bising, tapi menarik perhatian.

Konstan dan berirama. 

Bahkan, agak dapat memberi tenang.

Bergemericik 

Berirama dan berulang

Seperti air terjun 

Namun dalam ukuran yang relatif kecil

Dia menengok ke bidang di sampingnya

Yang kosong tampak tak bernyawa

Ah, itu.

Dia masih duduk.

Dia masih sedikit penang, terlalu banyak tampaknya.

Dia menghirup nafas

Membuang tak acuh sebongkah kain yang menutupi kaki telanjangnya.

Malam itu agak panas, maka selimut tidak Dia tarik sampai ke dada seperti yang biasa dia lakukan.

Dia duduk di pinggir kasur.

Berdiam, lalu berdiri mantap

Suara air.


Dia berjalan menuju sumber gemericik berulang itu

Dengan mata yang agak sulit melihat jelas

Masih agak buram 

Dia berada di pintu gemericik air.

Sependar cahaya remang dan lembut sedikit menampilkan diri dari celah-celah pintu

Suara gemericik masih ada.

Masih sangat ada.

Dia mendorong pelan pintu tersebut

Dan pintu itu, yang menjadi penghalang antara Dia dan sumber gemericik itu, terbuka sampai batas maksimalnya

Seolah memberi iya pada Dia untuk masuk

Suara gemericik itu masih ada

Dan dibawah sumber pancuran tersebut,

Ada entitas berdiri

Mengukir diri dengan air

Bergerak seolah menari dengan aliran tak kasat terjun dengan ukuran relatif kecil tersebut

Oh.


Dia terkesiap.

Bagaimana tidak?

Entitas ini begitu elok.

Kulitnya berkilah oleh air yang menyentuhnya dan cahaya lembut remang yang menyinarinya

Bagai seorang Diva di panggung saja

Entitas tidak bergerak asal dalam tariannya bersama air.

Dia menyesap bersama air yang tampaknya mengajaknya berdansa

Lembut beriringan dengan gemericik

Seolah berdoa

Dengan khusyuk Entitas menutup matanya

Seperti memanjatkan doa 

Entitas bergerak dan menari sambil berdoa

Dan Dia yakin semua apapun yang melihat Entitas sekarang akan mengejang

Terlalu elok niannya dan tarinya

Dan pula Sang Entitas itu sendiri.

Dia tau, Dia dihipnotis

Seperti anjing diberi umpan tulang dan daging

Dia bergerak mendekat dengan kebuncahan hati

Hendak merenggut apa depan mata

Yaitu Entitas.

Baru selangkah Dia mendekat,

Entitas membuat mati terjun yang berukuran relatif kecil

Dan menyadari kehadiran Dia

Entitas memandang Dia 

Dan semua tahu Entitas menyemburkan kilat dalam pandangnya

Membuat Dia terhenti 

Dan Dia tahu

Entitas juga tahu

Dia semakin mendekat

Dan mendekat

Mereka akan bergerak bersama, 

dan menari bersama

Diberkahi air terjun yang ukurannya relatif kecil

Dan cahaya remang dan lembut

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Sweet thee sound.
Of crashing solid iron of train rail – and minimum notion of the living.
Well,
It’s a night train so nothing much happen.
Sweet thee sound.
Of songs off from my phone.
Echoing beat or gentle rhythm of notes.
Delivering certain kind of lyrics and atmosphere,
And mood.
Today is just so unlucky me.
I tripped hard and make another bruises on my body. Weekend love to crash me with bruises – at club or accident.
I bought the wrong ticket and ALMOST saying bye to Jakarta.
Somehow I trapped and bought expensive shit that not a necessity.
Above all, along the thumping beat of train rail – and certain mood being delivered by my playlist, I’m in deep emotion of baby blue.
No not that kind of baby blue thanks.
Just certain feel of whatever passed and done leave me nothing but empty and none and sort of disappointment.
To all entities and moments.
To people around that being so stupid.
To all talks and sips and laughs with people.
To my own self to let me feel that way and letting things go under the skin.
Yeah I know baby blue is not a really good phrase to use as metaphor.
But,
Between the dark of night face and sudden random song played one record of random Tinder finding singing Paper Heart,
Baby blue is one I find the fittest of all.
For able drawing all this out of nowhere sudden shifting mind.
I’m sort of hard people to convince of trusting and all.
And as things start to get real I will in such form of denial and pushing everything.
Geez what even this thing.
Anyway, congratulations you just spend times of yours for nothing.

Longing to None

I have longing.

I always have longing.

And in current moments, my longing runs to traces of memoirs.

Collection of silvers and golds.

 

To one who pop up in front of campus gate

With reactive curse to traffic

Cigarrettes After Sex and Betwixt

& simple casual ‘What you’re up to’

 

To one with long silky hair

& ‘saya-kamu- refference

For random chilling stroll at sheer sunset

& rather night drive out

 

To one I have hard time to recall

With barely sober date

After midnight talks & late night drive outs

& minutes for just staying in a car

 

To traces of silvers & golds

To somehow chill and thrilling ride

For embrace and deep relates

With, well, fail ends

 

I have longing.

And my longing belong to none

Betwixt.

I will be still stand on certain loop of my life.

Some moments I will always favor to remember.

Not so late Wednesday ride.

And couple hours of talking.

Some sips of coffee.

And… Many moments of wonders.

Talking about life and wonders.

Job and simple stuff.

And 10 mins of night ride. 

From Cigarettes After Sex,

til Betwixt.

And man,

That was one delicate sheer kiss of night I will never ever able to forget.

‘I don’t think I can’.

Ever.

Man.

Wishing and longing of you going back and forth.

And not merely in romantical way.

Simply, a fun loop to hop in.

A tender 10 mins of ride.

Around midnight, She has a thrill ride.

It’s midnight.

Minimum notions of city breathe & dim lights wrap the town.

 

And she choked.

With eyes open, sight seeing is limited wide of ceiling – almost all dark and slight light beam striking thru off the clear looking glass.

Reflecting to what left of the world : moon and cloudy sky.

And with the help of it,

She is able to see a figure who’s on top of her.

Whom shadow cover its eyes,

but it doesn’t able to hide its gaze.

 

Swaying all way thru around.

Up and down, back and forth.

 

It is dancing. Tender moves.

With delicate swipe of skin to skin.

 

Bare and majestic.

 

But firm still,

 

give some sort of shock striking and chilling to bones.

Alerting all the nerves and mucles.

 

She is sinning to the night.

Categories Xx

It’s not okay to be not okay – and that’s okay

I grow with my mom told me to be strong.

To be tough.

To stand tall and bold to face all rough paces ahead confronting.

 

But,

She never give me the handbook to be one. Formulated theories and technics to be strong, tough,

and okay.

Don’t be confuse, my mom is one hella strong woman I ever see.

She’s able to manage the house clean and neat, making breakfast and feed all 4 dogs we have, and off to work afterwards.

She joins a trail club, even went to some touring events.

As far as I see, she move heavy cupboard, reshuffling dining room with her own hand and muscle.

But she never give me the handbook to be strong.

To be okay.

To manage our emotions, feelings, stress, and down side of living.

 

I bet everyone is.

 

Everyone is told to be okay.

To appear fine.

That those are how you are acceptable in society.

 

That’s how I perceived my ‘society’ – surrounding everyday encounters custom.

One single acne and after the greet ‘Hi’, the next thing pop from their mouth is about that acne.

Normal girl on corner of coffee shop doing thesis with cigarette burn on her left hand and some stare linger at her with lifted eyebrow – as if she’s doing sin in a public.

Holding hand with girlfriend popping out to bunch of friends and they’ll be asking you for a treat.

I live with people who love to throw comments or favor even without I ask.

Thus, legit to say that it’s social pressure to be okay. I mean, look all the daily basis above.

Or is it in my head I don’t know.

Either way, it’s not comfortable for me to being me, to be normal to feel down.

 

And that’s okay.

 

 

What’s the point of lenghty introduction?

As you may or may not aware, I pull myself from any encounters. Friends, inner circle, drinking buddies, I even feel distant with my dog.

Why?

Because I’m not okay. And I don’t know how to deal with this.

There are so many mix and complex chaotic things happen and felt. And I don’t feel fit, belong, or okay to presence myself on society.

Not that I’m ashamed or what, just don’t see the necessity of it. Nor helping me up with this thing in my mind.

Anyway, during alone getting sink and invisible, I still manage to formulate how to live alone. As people sometimes fun sometimes stupid and disappointing and I can’t bear another fluctuation beside myself and life surround me – but I aware.

I am able to live alone, but I cannot functioning well as a creature.

Life itself is a complex and all entities in it are gears function – sync and somehow connect to make the universe roll.

And during my invisibility – much I spend time, much time, to be aware that I need encounters however how much I try to avoid it. I cut unnecessary feature, make my circle even smaller that worth the effort of connecting and fun to be with, and acknowledge the fact that it’s not okay to be not okay and that’s okay.

The fuck the point of geez I have such jumbled mind.

Okay let’s write it down.

So I feel not okay and I shut myself because – well, to live alone is already hard and another persona to live in for society sake adding more pressure. During my invisible time, I manage main points of living that I need external parties to function.

And yeah I also acknowledge that different persona is worn in order to live okay in acceptable society that don’t necessarily means you are two face – it’s just not matter and neccesary to show all true colors of yours.

So yeah, I’m sorry if in the past weeks I been so hard to reach and thanks for awaring my existence LOL and I’m okay. And no don’t try to ask the 5W+1H on me.

Far as I know, life is funny. And eat every moments properly fine and epic, both alone or with companion. Being not okay suck and everyone will get thru all that at some moment of their life phase.

 

Okay enough of the rambling, you fulfill your need to write your thought on 12.50 right Yoan?

 

Ps. This I’m adult of shit I start to make many and gotta able to have control and manage my wake up til asleep ALONE is a bit scary. I gotta find the essentials of living and bit of fun features to stay sane. Bye.

As the Science Creeping in once a while in a month

  1. Me and bed are one. Unseparated.
  2. Pigging out like a lot of snacks and beverages all sweet treats and greasy food.
  3. Lot of YouTube scroll. Tons of it. And I always bump to Buzzfeed particularly BuzzFeed Unsolved, this show give a hint of grin once a while and Shane and Ryan are My Fave Ghost (kinda) Buster
  4. Cramp and lot of “Argh”, “Why”, and whine. And bed rolls or doing that ass going up face facing down not in a sensual way.
  5. I project and vision and applicate as an independent person and ignorant person. As this science got me, I will be a needy-pain in the ass bitch with rant and be weighing people with hormonal changes and this sensitive, I mean poorly sensitive side. I gotta need extra care and effort to cope and bear with.

Why is it matters to put here? Dunno.

Ah to give anyone a link to when they out of sudden get tons of chat or calls with just whine, or give anyone hints how to deal with barely functioning me.

 

Arti Rindu, antara Rumah dan Jarak

Halo, kawan.

Aku hendak berucap rindu, rindu sampai pelu kepadamu.

Sejenak setelah melihat tidak sengaja foto kita dulu.

 

Aku mencari namamu di kontakku.

 

Tapi aku ragu.

 

Aku sungguh rindu padamu.

dan kamu pun akan berucap jua rindu.

Lalu kita akan berbincang atau bahkan bertatap wajah jika kamu masih bangun pada subuh waktu kotamu.

Namun, terlintas sedikit.

Bagaimana definisi rinduku kalah kuat dengan rindumu.

 

Rinduku hanya padamu.

Dan waktu kita kala jarak belum memberi ruang pada raga kita kala itu.

 

Rindumu bukan hanya padaku.

Tapi juga rumahmu, temanmu yang lain, makanan, dan kasur dikamarmu.

 

Rinduku disini karena impulsif.

Rindumu secara legit selalu ada karena,

oh kawan,

kau sendiri di kota lain.

 

Yang kala siang tidak ada yang jual seblak.

Atau malam martabak.

Tidak ada kerungan mamah kalo kamu pulang malam,

atau teman-teman yang membuatmu pulang malam.

 

Aku ragu menyampaikan rindu.

Bukan meragu karena aku tidak rindu.

 

Tapi aku sungguh tidak mau, menambah pelu rindumu

Akan semilir hangat tropis kotamu dulu.

atau batagor yang mudah didapat.

Kerungan mamah

dan gelak tawa bodoh kita dulu.

 

Aku takut rindu yang akan kusampaikan padamu

Tidak dapat membalas rindumu.

Wrap of The City

I get used to this city.

All the horn and yells soon as the sun set it shine and the moon shift.

From the smokes and carbon monoxide urban people breath everyday.

To the dancing lights of tall buildings and flashes of street movement.

 

I get used to this city.

The heat and stink soon the noon comes and burn your skin.

Fast pace beat of pathway and thump voices of heavy construction machines.

And slowing motion self in rush of swaying elements.

 

I get used to this city.

How they mourn over traffic and excite over midnight sale.

The rigid day of people movement and barely sober walk to the car of the night.

All the laugh and formal talks to dreams of making big in a city and naive smile within.

 

I get used to this city heart beat.

And try to breathe in.

Feminisme dan ‘Yaudah Kalo Gitu Lain Kali Angkat Galon Sendiri Ya’

Saya percaya dan mendukung kesetaraan gender.

Upah kerja yang sama, perlakuan adil dan merata, bahwa ada pria yang juga dilecehkan oleh wanita dan bahwa wanita juga capable dalam memimpin.

Saya percaya dan mendukung kesetaraan manusia.

 

Tapi beberapa orang tampaknya memahami atau bahkan memperjuangkab kesetaraan gender dengan dangkal. Yang dalam bahasan ini, ranah saya hanya sebatas ‘pemahaman’ tidak sampai ‘perjuangan’ extent, because in this particular issue I have experienced and thoughts on.

Saya pernah semasa SMA sedang berbincang mengenai hak wanita & empowerment (bahasannya tidak setinggi ini tentu, hanya ngobrol random kala perpindahan mata pelajaran namun topik perbincangannya seputar itu). Perbincangan mulai panas kita saya lebih speak up di ranah ‘wanita’ dan kemudian, lawan bicara pria saya melontarkan kalimat :

“Yaudah, kalo gitu lain kali angkat galon sendiri ya. Jangan minta tolong.”

Wow.

Just wow dude.

Saya terhenyak.

Dan respon saya kala itu yang ke triggered, “Oh oke gue bisa kok.”.

Aduh, kawan.

Setelah sekian lama baru saya sadari betapa dangkal pemahamanmu dan saya kala itu.

Bukan berarti ketika kami mengutarakan dan mengupayakan kesetaraan gender kamu menghibahkan ‘satu-dua tugas’ kepada kami karena kamu merasa hal itu lekat pada gendermu thus other party should not take advantage of it because fuck you just demand to be superior hence I give you your ultimate superior, noh ambil. Dan sekarang jika dihadapkan lontaran yang sama saya akan menjawab ‘Oke, kalo gitu lo yang hamil 9 bulan dan lahiran ya.’. Let’s see how I can get this blunt.

The idea is, both women and men should be treated equally tanpa embel atau fitur konstruksi sosial yang menempel.

Pria itu baru sejati jika bisa reparasi segala hal di rumah.

Wanita idealnya pintar masak.

Pria tidak boleh menangis karena showing emotions decrease your man-ness.

Wanita kalo memimpin suka emosian makanya kurang reliable.

Dan lain-lain.

 

Menyambung pembahasan sebelumnya, mohon dipahami bahwa secara umum dan biologis dan science fisik wanita dan pria berbeda. Women got vags and men have dicks. Wanita mungkin ramping dan ber rasio ajaib untuk dapat menggunakan heels dan pria mungkin memiliki lebih banyak otot yang ter-develop di bisep dan trisepnya. Ada yang secara umum dilakukan oleh wanita ada yang secara umum dilakukan oleh pria karena konstruksi fisik.

Tapi disini sekali lagi jangan dangkal memahami kesetaraan gender. Kesetaraan gender bukan transfer kemampuan fisik ataupun biologis antara pria dan wanita kemudian menjadi imbang atau sama ya.

Tapi bagaimana wanita dan pria dipandang sama sebagai manusia. Saya sebagai wanita yang mampu mengendarai mobil itu manusia, bukan ‘Anjir yang bawa pasti cewek rese deh.’, saya adalah manusia yang memiliki Surat Izin Mengemudi dan mampu mengemudi. Dan pria yang salon atau tempat perawatan wajah ‘Ih cowok ngapain kesini metrox deh atau jangan-jangan…’, dia adalah manusia yang memiliki kulit dan wajah yang mau dirawat. Just normal people doing normal things, right?

Dalam segala tindaknya yang terkadang in some extent dipandang kurang sesuai dengan norma yang ada, pria dan wanita adalah manusia. Tanpa embel menempel.

Sesimpel itu.