Thoughts develop around 2 is ain’t nice

I wonder if one entity leave for eternal in universe,

Will others morns for its loss?

Will others hurt for its harm?

Will others also feel some part of em leave as well?
If they do feel that way

Is it some kind of ego and arrogant sort of feelings shared? 

Because you feel you have em for you and now it’s gone?

Will it be temporary?

Will the hole it potrays stay forever?
If entity leave for eternal in universe,

Will it stop from vain its been suffer?

Will it ever face God and its mighty ness?

Will it sees from above what go beyond below?

Will it find answer for life quest?
If entity leave for eternal in universe,
Will it stop asking questions?


What a wasted time could afford

Don’t be surprise that

You gonna waste your time

You gonna waste your time wondering

Scrolling til 2 a.m.

Watching Buzzfeed after 1 season of Modern Family

Rolling, random searching, listening, repeat


Or dancing with EDM music beats 

You gonna waste your time doing things 

Wondering where do you belong

And that’s okay

As the air of morning breeze slipping thru your slightly open window, you will know

What is matters

Where is this lead to

What you want

Where do you belong

It comes to crystal clear, step by step

In a mean time, enjoy the awakening 

The soft shade of sky 

And soft kiss from the wind

How you define yourself – the lifetime question

Before taking step to the post, I must first explain how I can reach this point.
It’s 26th December and I went to watch movie with my go-to friend. DAMN WHY ALL PEOPLE COUPLE UP IN THIS STUDIO I feel so wrong.
The movie was Headshot, great action scenes and lame dialogs. Countless time we burst in comments and cringes.
After that we went to munchies. As always, our talk we’ll be around life and its round.
After spending times talking this stuff, I threw up random question to him.
From one not so matters til a lifetime quest.
‘Yo I can picture you in year ahead, me and my future wife and kids and you alone, one young executive woman, alone. Maybe you just went from one guy but that’s just it’
‘Ya mau gimana…’
To this.
(Disclaimer : the convos might not exactly the same, but it pretty much imply our talks.)
‘How you define yourself, Za?’
‘That’s a hard question. I mean, I cannot define myself as in, I will be subjective and some might not be true, or is true, or else’
‘But if, you have to define yourself, what will you say?’
‘Hmm, I’m tolerant, I’m…’
‘Nah, that’s not it. That’s your features, you mention points. How you define yourself as in you put your features arrange in one compact paragraph.’
‘But that’s also my definitions.’
‘Hmm, I think more about, if you see horoscope deets, a scorpion, as it lalala is a lalala with lalala’. They mention features in one comprehensive paragraph that relate-able from one feature to other.’
‘Ah I see. Well, I’m a…’ (long pause)
‘That’s one question that hard to answer’
‘Yeah I know, but I don’t see why it matters to do so’
‘I think that matters. The linkage and how it relate to each other features in one progressive paragraph imply how well you know and define yourself. Like in one moment, at job interview, you might get this questions. And how damn you answer it?’
(long pause)
‘Damn right’
‘Damn right’
And we sum up, pay our bills, went back home. With 3 times of ‘Fast Car’ songs being played on the way back home, I contemplate about this question more. Why is it matters? Why me and him will always contemplate life and its surrounding like this?
You see, defining self will always be a longing, my ultimate longing. I used to deny to define everything, leaving it pretty with their own life, but now I acknowledge the importance of it.
You grow up and evolving to define yourself.
How you solve life quest will lay on how you define yourself thus you aware of your ‘how-to’.
What you wanna do for money, I underline wanna (not I take this job for sake I pay my rent and errands thing) will lay on what you good at, your plus, and what you passion is.
What you seek in life, either relationship or life goals is from how you define you as a life partner, what you need to fit you, and so on, and so on.
And by making a compact paragraph of yourself, you acknowledge yourself. Your strength and weakness, your flaw and beauty, what you good at and what you lacking of, much, aware of yourself.
This is not one easy task, It’s a lifetime quest. You may define yourself as purple now, but purple has shades of red and blue. You might be blue for now, and red at some moments later. Either way, aware of what kind of existence you are is one crucial shit. Freaking crucial.
I’m so open to this topic and up for any insight. Would love to talk over thru sips of coffee, or couples of wines!

talks in the middle of the rain, longing, and contemplation

thus, we in our twenties, will fly thee souls.

I have told you that life been funny, lately.


that somehow I found myself alone sitting at the bar club

or dance in the middle of dancefloor of a club. alone or with accompany

or I pour myself some shots of tequila

or sipping my 3rd cups of coffee this night.

gaping with current relatives

or making new engagement with old friend

talk about latest gossip

or both express selves longing in such manner of current things evolving around selves


life been funny lately

and some thee souls in their twenties, sitting munching sweet dessert treats during light rain

crapping about longing of things evolving around them

how’s they life turn out

and how it was started

the expectations, hurts, and ‘dude I never expect this one’

changing faces on their selves life

til they reach this particular point

and daze


for oneself, she feels she’s been suck up into such worm hole and skip times speaces to be in present moment

for him, it’s just scary how times and spaces goes along the way


and how in the instant moment, things around them evolve

their own selves thought of own selves concern


for her, a closure

for him, a waiting


and thought of their shared concern

about one soul they care about

about one soul whom life been rolled up away

and how things evolve around them.


they are tired but restless soul

and thus need solitude for resolve


she thinks she need a tranquility thru times of contemplation

he thinks he need to making himself stable and firm, that he thought he isn’t


ah dear.


life been funny lately

and they munching their sweet treats, savoring it.



Was taken between 12 til 3 a.m. at Southbank

Oh dear life.

You’ve been funny lately

You are never been firm

And I was shaking by

And by the way. 


I am so down to your chaotic tunnel

How funny

And yet I haven’t found my closure

I am disclosure.

And in my exploring path of mine how to find my closure, a zen

And… The fuck I found myself sitting at the bar club.


I arrived way too early. 

It’s half to midnight

And I think the party people still getting ready on their crib

Making them eyeliner sharp enough to kill

And shit I think I have to wait a really long time to dance away my shit

And I already sip some to forget

Yea I’m a dead gaada gaya one. Damn shit.

What these weeks brought me to.

The things evolving around me is driving nut

I started to lose my sanity

Thus here I am

Bluntly daring myself to jump into thump of EDM music, flashing lights, and fog of smokes. Alone.

I mean. What the. 

Bumping myself to strangers.

Getting lost in beat.

Staying sobber.

Within the light and beating beat

I not yet found my closure.

Tho I enjoy jumping around

And flashing lights please me

But as I taking some moments to breath

Wave of unsure hit me up again.

And I know I still in disclosure.

So I say good bye to those strangers.

And lights.

Order Uber and hit back home.

I thank God my Uber is doing his job well.

And not taking any beneficial from a late girl almost snoozing off at the back.

So, dear night beaty life

You are fun. 

But you are not my closure.

I love the Y in my name

It is all started with the ‘y’.



As ‘y’ is the shortened version of ‘why’

And lately, this kind of question been surround me for days.

Why you’ve been mourning all day long?

Why the hell this hellish foolish judgmental bitch cannot restrained themselves from speaking such idiotic phrases?

Why they cannot read my bold face saying ‘I don’t care’?

Why the road been stay like this for 4 hours long?

Why do I  buy these stuff?

Why my last week order haven’t arrived yet?

Whyyyy my pinky hurt out of nowhere? Just whyyyyyy?

Why, as my personal preference is the ultimate question of all.

And we earthlings been burden up to figure out the answer

Aren’t you all wonder why, in the morning you wake up after a night full of smokes and smells of liquors, you just can;t shake things off?

Or you’ve been wonder while you jump to house music, somehow your heart fill with these grey-ish color?



As the darkness fall and the night been so quite,

It is not solitude that you found within spaces and times

But flashes of past, memories, and rising heartbeat for the unknown future?

Call me a girl with so much question. Or define it as insecure

Heck I care

Or maybe I am

But I don’t bug

What bugging me is, why.

That the shortened version imply as the first alphabet of my name.


The Existence of Existential

One afternoon

And the sun almost kiss the ground good bye

My dear friend chat me, shared her experience in existential issue.

And we shared our story


As we both sit back the world spinning around

And it scares the hell outta us

It is normal, the earth spinning. It is natural.

But somehow we have anxiety about it.

People walking in their path, walk as they know where they are about to go

And we here just sit not sure

Of anything

The air we breath

The ground we sit

Should we stand up?

Should we start to walk?

Where this path lead to?

Will it be right?

Am I doing it right?

Will I be happy?

Why am I here?  What is this? Why am I laughing? Is my laugh is genuine one? How if it is not? The fuck just happen? So much.

So much.


We both feel like trash. Being left behind and have no purpose.

Much, existential issues.


Til I come thru with this words, the existence of existential issues.

‘I realize being in your twenty, starting off to be literally alone, letting of the grip and safety net you own not because they are not safe anymore just because now u will doubt and question everything, then somehow being push to this unknown makes u question every fundamental aspects of everything

Is it normal to feel this way? Yes.

Is it hard? Maybe. For some who keep themselves shut, they can not let something in, and out.


In this case, my and my dear friend.

Why anxiety feel hard for us, cuz we are introvert. or at the very least, keeping it shut to the world. and the absence to letting it out is making it worse so express it in anyway


The thing is how you accept and express.

Accept that you are questioning your existence, and that’s okay. It is natural and somebody out there feeling the wave of unsure as same as yours.

Accept that you gotta let it out loud. Express your unsure and doubt. Write your questions, sing your doubts, drink to the bottom of your unsure. Express it, don’t hold it. The more you hold these pressure the more you drown yourself to numbness.

Accept that you gotta seek help. Tell a friend, drunk yourself(this is me, also accompany by smokes and random bump to people LOL), making a life journal, have a little short getaway at Neverland, any kind of help you know will keep your sanity back.


It is all relate to me and pretty much what I can discover from my current existential issue experience. Do not underestimate your worry of you stepping to the unknown, guys.

Being in your twenty is as much burdens a youth may have. You are not again teenager, you will face world alone with mum&dad as safety net or someone to run for if there’s a monster in front of us.

But, we might not have capacity to take all adult burdens. Hell I still ask my parent money for gas tho I drive my own car. And to eat. And else. IDK how to run errands and bargain at market and save money for my next month. Not even next Monday.

But we just get over teenager stage. We are mature enough to avoid drama and discovering your trueself, accepting that you are emo kind of girl and that’s okay or you smokes and drinks and still up for life quotes and economic subjects. Much, we exploring self to define self.


Being in your twenty is both hell and paradise, angel and satan. Every stage of life is! Both good and bad side. Just now, that you have to be responsible with your feeling and emotion.

And for those who currently struggling with it, I hope you guys make it thru! Cheers!