I grow with my mom told me to be strong.
To be tough.
To stand tall and bold to face all rough paces ahead confronting.
She never give me the handbook to be one. Formulated theories and technics to be strong, tough,
Don’t be confuse, my mom is one hella strong woman I ever see.
She’s able to manage the house clean and neat, making breakfast and feed all 4 dogs we have, and off to work afterwards.
She joins a trail club, even went to some touring events.
As far as I see, she move heavy cupboard, reshuffling dining room with her own hand and muscle.
But she never give me the handbook to be strong.
To be okay.
To manage our emotions, feelings, stress, and down side of living.
I bet everyone is.
Everyone is told to be okay.
To appear fine.
That those are how you are acceptable in society.
That’s how I perceived my ‘society’ – surrounding everyday encounters custom.
One single acne and after the greet ‘Hi’, the next thing pop from their mouth is about that acne.
Normal girl on corner of coffee shop doing thesis with cigarette burn on her left hand and some stare linger at her with lifted eyebrow – as if she’s doing sin in a public.
Holding hand with girlfriend popping out to bunch of friends and they’ll be asking you for a treat.
I live with people who love to throw comments or favor even without I ask.
Thus, legit to say that it’s social pressure to be okay. I mean, look all the daily basis above.
Or is it in my head I don’t know.
Either way, it’s not comfortable for me to being me, to be normal to feel down.
And that’s okay.
What’s the point of lenghty introduction?
As you may or may not aware, I pull myself from any encounters. Friends, inner circle, drinking buddies, I even feel distant with my dog.
Because I’m not okay. And I don’t know how to deal with this.
There are so many mix and complex chaotic things happen and felt. And I don’t feel fit, belong, or okay to presence myself on society.
Not that I’m ashamed or what, just don’t see the necessity of it. Nor helping me up with this thing in my mind.
Anyway, during alone getting sink and invisible, I still manage to formulate how to live alone. As people sometimes fun sometimes stupid and disappointing and I can’t bear another fluctuation beside myself and life surround me – but I aware.
I am able to live alone, but I cannot functioning well as a creature.
Life itself is a complex and all entities in it are gears function – sync and somehow connect to make the universe roll.
And during my invisibility – much I spend time, much time, to be aware that I need encounters however how much I try to avoid it. I cut unnecessary feature, make my circle even smaller that worth the effort of connecting and fun to be with, and acknowledge the fact that it’s not okay to be not okay and that’s okay.
The fuck the point of geez I have such jumbled mind.
Okay let’s write it down.
So I feel not okay and I shut myself because – well, to live alone is already hard and another persona to live in for society sake adding more pressure. During my invisible time, I manage main points of living that I need external parties to function.
And yeah I also acknowledge that different persona is worn in order to live okay in acceptable society that don’t necessarily means you are two face – it’s just not matter and neccesary to show all true colors of yours.
So yeah, I’m sorry if in the past weeks I been so hard to reach and thanks for awaring my existence LOL and I’m okay. And no don’t try to ask the 5W+1H on me.
Far as I know, life is funny. And eat every moments properly fine and epic, both alone or with companion. Being not okay suck and everyone will get thru all that at some moment of their life phase.
Okay enough of the rambling, you fulfill your need to write your thought on 12.50 right Yoan?
Ps. This I’m adult of shit I start to make many and gotta able to have control and manage my wake up til asleep ALONE is a bit scary. I gotta find the essentials of living and bit of fun features to stay sane. Bye.