It’s not okay to be not okay – and that’s okay

I grow with my mom told me to be strong.

To be tough.

To stand tall and bold to face all rough paces ahead confronting.



She never give me the handbook to be one. Formulated theories and technics to be strong, tough,

and okay.

Don’t be confuse, my mom is one hella strong woman I ever see.

She’s able to manage the house clean and neat, making breakfast and feed all 4 dogs we have, and off to work afterwards.

She joins a trail club, even went to some touring events.

As far as I see, she move heavy cupboard, reshuffling dining room with her own hand and muscle.

But she never give me the handbook to be strong.

To be okay.

To manage our emotions, feelings, stress, and down side of living.


I bet everyone is.


Everyone is told to be okay.

To appear fine.

That those are how you are acceptable in society.


That’s how I perceived my ‘society’ – surrounding everyday encounters custom.

One single acne and after the greet ‘Hi’, the next thing pop from their mouth is about that acne.

Normal girl on corner of coffee shop doing thesis with cigarette burn on her left hand and some stare linger at her with lifted eyebrow – as if she’s doing sin in a public.

Holding hand with girlfriend popping out to bunch of friends and they’ll be asking you for a treat.

I live with people who love to throw comments or favor even without I ask.

Thus, legit to say that it’s social pressure to be okay. I mean, look all the daily basis above.

Or is it in my head I don’t know.

Either way, it’s not comfortable for me to being me, to be normal to feel down.


And that’s okay.



What’s the point of lenghty introduction?

As you may or may not aware, I pull myself from any encounters. Friends, inner circle, drinking buddies, I even feel distant with my dog.


Because I’m not okay. And I don’t know how to deal with this.

There are so many mix and complex chaotic things happen and felt. And I don’t feel fit, belong, or okay to presence myself on society.

Not that I’m ashamed or what, just don’t see the necessity of it. Nor helping me up with this thing in my mind.

Anyway, during alone getting sink and invisible, I still manage to formulate how to live alone. As people sometimes fun sometimes stupid and disappointing and I can’t bear another fluctuation beside myself and life surround me – but I aware.

I am able to live alone, but I cannot functioning well as a creature.

Life itself is a complex and all entities in it are gears function – sync and somehow connect to make the universe roll.

And during my invisibility – much I spend time, much time, to be aware that I need encounters however how much I try to avoid it. I cut unnecessary feature, make my circle even smaller that worth the effort of connecting and fun to be with, and acknowledge the fact that it’s not okay to be not okay and that’s okay.

The fuck the point of geez I have such jumbled mind.

Okay let’s write it down.

So I feel not okay and I shut myself because – well, to live alone is already hard and another persona to live in for society sake adding more pressure. During my invisible time, I manage main points of living that I need external parties to function.

And yeah I also acknowledge that different persona is worn in order to live okay in acceptable society that don’t necessarily means you are two face – it’s just not matter and neccesary to show all true colors of yours.

So yeah, I’m sorry if in the past weeks I been so hard to reach and thanks for awaring my existence LOL and I’m okay. And no don’t try to ask the 5W+1H on me.

Far as I know, life is funny. And eat every moments properly fine and epic, both alone or with companion. Being not okay suck and everyone will get thru all that at some moment of their life phase.


Okay enough of the rambling, you fulfill your need to write your thought on 12.50 right Yoan?


Ps. This I’m adult of shit I start to make many and gotta able to have control and manage my wake up til asleep ALONE is a bit scary. I gotta find the essentials of living and bit of fun features to stay sane. Bye.


As the Science Creeping in once a while in a month

  1. Me and bed are one. Unseparated.
  2. Pigging out like a lot of snacks and beverages all sweet treats and greasy food.
  3. Lot of YouTube scroll. Tons of it. And I always bump to Buzzfeed particularly BuzzFeed Unsolved, this show give a hint of grin once a while and Shane and Ryan are My Fave Ghost (kinda) Buster
  4. Cramp and lot of “Argh”, “Why”, and whine. And bed rolls or doing that ass going up face facing down not in a sensual way.
  5. I project and vision and applicate as an independent person and ignorant person. As this science got me, I will be a needy-pain in the ass bitch with rant and be weighing people with hormonal changes and this sensitive, I mean poorly sensitive side. I gotta need extra care and effort to cope and bear with.

Why is it matters to put here? Dunno.

Ah to give anyone a link to when they out of sudden get tons of chat or calls with just whine, or give anyone hints how to deal with barely functioning me.


Arti Rindu, antara Rumah dan Jarak

Halo, kawan.

Aku hendak berucap rindu, rindu sampai pelu kepadamu.

Sejenak setelah melihat tidak sengaja foto kita dulu.


Aku mencari namamu di kontakku.


Tapi aku ragu.


Aku sungguh rindu padamu.

dan kamu pun akan berucap jua rindu.

Lalu kita akan berbincang atau bahkan bertatap wajah jika kamu masih bangun pada subuh waktu kotamu.

Namun, terlintas sedikit.

Bagaimana definisi rinduku kalah kuat dengan rindumu.


Rinduku hanya padamu.

Dan waktu kita kala jarak belum memberi ruang pada raga kita kala itu.


Rindumu bukan hanya padaku.

Tapi juga rumahmu, temanmu yang lain, makanan, dan kasur dikamarmu.


Rinduku disini karena impulsif.

Rindumu secara legit selalu ada karena,

oh kawan,

kau sendiri di kota lain.


Yang kala siang tidak ada yang jual seblak.

Atau malam martabak.

Tidak ada kerungan mamah kalo kamu pulang malam,

atau teman-teman yang membuatmu pulang malam.


Aku ragu menyampaikan rindu.

Bukan meragu karena aku tidak rindu.


Tapi aku sungguh tidak mau, menambah pelu rindumu

Akan semilir hangat tropis kotamu dulu.

atau batagor yang mudah didapat.

Kerungan mamah

dan gelak tawa bodoh kita dulu.


Aku takut rindu yang akan kusampaikan padamu

Tidak dapat membalas rindumu.

Wrap of The City

I get used to this city.

All the horn and yells soon as the sun set it shine and the moon shift.

From the smokes and carbon monoxide urban people breath everyday.

To the dancing lights of tall buildings and flashes of street movement.


I get used to this city.

The heat and stink soon the noon comes and burn your skin.

Fast pace beat of pathway and thump voices of heavy construction machines.

And slowing motion self in rush of swaying elements.


I get used to this city.

How they mourn over traffic and excite over midnight sale.

The rigid day of people movement and barely sober walk to the car of the night.

All the laugh and formal talks to dreams of making big in a city and naive smile within.


I get used to this city heart beat.

And try to breathe in.