How you define yourself – the lifetime question

Before taking step to the post, I must first explain how I can reach this point.
It’s 26th December and I went to watch movie with my go-to friend. DAMN WHY ALL PEOPLE COUPLE UP IN THIS STUDIO I feel so wrong.
The movie was Headshot, great action scenes and lame dialogs. Countless time we burst in comments and cringes.
After that we went to munchies. As always, our talk we’ll be around life and its round.
After spending times talking this stuff, I threw up random question to him.
From one not so matters til a lifetime quest.
‘Yo I can picture you in year ahead, me and my future wife and kids and you alone, one young executive woman, alone. Maybe you just went from one guy but that’s just it’
‘Ya mau gimana…’
To this.
(Disclaimer : the convos might not exactly the same, but it pretty much imply our talks.)
‘How you define yourself, Za?’
‘That’s a hard question. I mean, I cannot define myself as in, I will be subjective and some might not be true, or is true, or else’
‘But if, you have to define yourself, what will you say?’
‘Hmm, I’m tolerant, I’m…’
‘Nah, that’s not it. That’s your features, you mention points. How you define yourself as in you put your features arrange in one compact paragraph.’
‘But that’s also my definitions.’
‘Hmm, I think more about, if you see horoscope deets, a scorpion, as it lalala is a lalala with lalala’. They mention features in one comprehensive paragraph that relate-able from one feature to other.’
‘Ah I see. Well, I’m a…’ (long pause)
‘That’s one question that hard to answer’
‘Yeah I know, but I don’t see why it matters to do so’
‘I think that matters. The linkage and how it relate to each other features in one progressive paragraph imply how well you know and define yourself. Like in one moment, at job interview, you might get this questions. And how damn you answer it?’
(long pause)
‘Damn right’
‘Damn right’
And we sum up, pay our bills, went back home. With 3 times of ‘Fast Car’ songs being played on the way back home, I contemplate about this question more. Why is it matters? Why me and him will always contemplate life and its surrounding like this?
You see, defining self will always be a longing, my ultimate longing. I used to deny to define everything, leaving it pretty with their own life, but now I acknowledge the importance of it.
You grow up and evolving to define yourself.
How you solve life quest will lay on how you define yourself thus you aware of your ‘how-to’.
What you wanna do for money, I underline wanna (not I take this job for sake I pay my rent and errands thing) will lay on what you good at, your plus, and what you passion is.
What you seek in life, either relationship or life goals is from how you define you as a life partner, what you need to fit you, and so on, and so on.
And by making a compact paragraph of yourself, you acknowledge yourself. Your strength and weakness, your flaw and beauty, what you good at and what you lacking of, much, aware of yourself.
This is not one easy task, It’s a lifetime quest. You may define yourself as purple now, but purple has shades of red and blue. You might be blue for now, and red at some moments later. Either way, aware of what kind of existence you are is one crucial shit. Freaking crucial.
I’m so open to this topic and up for any insight. Would love to talk over thru sips of coffee, or couples of wines!

She’s evolving, leave her alone

Dear end of college life,


What a ride you’ve been!

The thrill I never expect to feel

People I never expect to connect,

Places I never expect to go,

Songs I never expect to hear,

Liquors I never expect to sip,


Evolution I never expect.


She’s been wandering exploring much and lot

She’s been in such longing and need and contemplation

And things she tried to find her closure

She’s unsure

A bit unstable

But firm about ‘seeking’ self journey she’s pacing in.


And she denied any interruptions may occur

Not a single bug

Don’t mind yourself try to reach her

She will eventually leave, if you cannot cope with her

Or your intention is to engage with her with some terms she avoids


Don’t even bother to try to connect

Either she’s afraid or she’s now looking for absence,

The feelings just not seems to be there


Please don’t bug her


She’s firm at her seeking self journey

And her path now come to clear

She’s now formulating and defines her findings


But still, don’t bug her.

Unless you looking for platonic.



aku mendamba sendiri

namun tidak kesendirian


aku mendamba terpaan manis angin

yang ditiupkan oleh hijau-hijau daun pepohonan

mencium lembut wajah dan rambut


aku mendamba aliran air

yang dibawa oleh entah sungai atau gelombang laut

membasahi lembut kaki dan rambut


aku mendamba suara sepi

diantara angin dan air

dan kekosongan pikuk kota atau kerja

atau skripsi

atau Anda


aku mendambakan itu

kesendirian itu


aku ingin mengkonfrontasi kesendirian itu

menanyakan banyak hal

menjawab banyak hal


aku mau duduk diantara kesendirian itu

kesendirian yang aku damba itu

aku mau itu


aku damba itu