If someone love me,

I want the way how my dog reflects his love towards me

 

In the morning,

He wakes me up with kisses

Soft and gentle touch of his nose as sweet whisper of ‘Wake up, you beautiful creature’

And how excited he is as I wake up

Pumping myself with excitement like the day will be okay

 

Then, as I walk out towards the door he will give this stare

Saying ‘I know you’re about to go and I’m sad, but I wish nothing but your day to be bright’

And he let me go.

 

As the day goes well

Or it slaps me hard,

Whether there’s smile put on my face

Or a ‘keep of I’m tired’ face being put on

As soon as I open the door

He will embrace me, like a soldier come back from combat

With joy, excitement, and licks.

He’ll be right there to hear all of my story about how is my day go

My murmur and gossip

For then we sit side by side, in silence

Giving out each other space to breathe and move on from what had been happen

at the outside world

 

He will protect me

Facing the fears that I’m not even aware

Being guard up and leave not even an inch

 

He will embrace me forever and give me space

He gives all he gets to get my attention and please me after it

Also, giving me room for things he knows I need to be alone

But still being there, his presence is there.

 

He will please me

By the only way he knows, love

Accompanying when I’m up all night to get my works done

Shed my tears when I’m sad and rivers flow from my eyes

Become a mobile pillow as I’m too tired to grab real one

Being around with his magical presence, not there but his presence is real,

Letting me know he is right there and ready whenever, wherever.

 

In the nights,

After meals and works,

As I bump into my bed he will jump and sleep right after me

Giving his body for a snuggle

And as I fast asleep

He will jump out the bed,

Goes to the corner,

Fall asleep as his eyes watch outta me

Making sure I’m asleep, safe, and at the very least if happy is not available,

Relax.

The Existence of Existential

One afternoon

And the sun almost kiss the ground good bye

My dear friend chat me, shared her experience in existential issue.

And we shared our story

 

As we both sit back the world spinning around

And it scares the hell outta us

It is normal, the earth spinning. It is natural.

But somehow we have anxiety about it.

People walking in their path, walk as they know where they are about to go

And we here just sit not sure

Of anything

The air we breath

The ground we sit

Should we stand up?

Should we start to walk?

Where this path lead to?

Will it be right?

Am I doing it right?

Will I be happy?

Why am I here?  What is this? Why am I laughing? Is my laugh is genuine one? How if it is not? The fuck just happen? So much.

So much.

 

We both feel like trash. Being left behind and have no purpose.

Much, existential issues.

 

Til I come thru with this words, the existence of existential issues.

‘I realize being in your twenty, starting off to be literally alone, letting of the grip and safety net you own not because they are not safe anymore just because now u will doubt and question everything, then somehow being push to this unknown makes u question every fundamental aspects of everything

Is it normal to feel this way? Yes.

Is it hard? Maybe. For some who keep themselves shut, they can not let something in, and out.

 

In this case, my and my dear friend.

Why anxiety feel hard for us, cuz we are introvert. or at the very least, keeping it shut to the world. and the absence to letting it out is making it worse so express it in anyway

 

The thing is how you accept and express.

Accept that you are questioning your existence, and that’s okay. It is natural and somebody out there feeling the wave of unsure as same as yours.

Accept that you gotta let it out loud. Express your unsure and doubt. Write your questions, sing your doubts, drink to the bottom of your unsure. Express it, don’t hold it. The more you hold these pressure the more you drown yourself to numbness.

Accept that you gotta seek help. Tell a friend, drunk yourself(this is me, also accompany by smokes and random bump to people LOL), making a life journal, have a little short getaway at Neverland, any kind of help you know will keep your sanity back.

 

It is all relate to me and pretty much what I can discover from my current existential issue experience. Do not underestimate your worry of you stepping to the unknown, guys.

Being in your twenty is as much burdens a youth may have. You are not again teenager, you will face world alone with mum&dad as safety net or someone to run for if there’s a monster in front of us.

But, we might not have capacity to take all adult burdens. Hell I still ask my parent money for gas tho I drive my own car. And to eat. And else. IDK how to run errands and bargain at market and save money for my next month. Not even next Monday.

But we just get over teenager stage. We are mature enough to avoid drama and discovering your trueself, accepting that you are emo kind of girl and that’s okay or you smokes and drinks and still up for life quotes and economic subjects. Much, we exploring self to define self.

 

Being in your twenty is both hell and paradise, angel and satan. Every stage of life is! Both good and bad side. Just now, that you have to be responsible with your feeling and emotion.

And for those who currently struggling with it, I hope you guys make it thru! Cheers!

2 a.m. thoughts

My dear, you

Oh my dear you,

 

It always splendid to have you as my midnight thoughts

As I recall it a mildly comforting one

A happy place

 

I don’t quite sure

Is it the espresso that comes strong,

Either way the thoughts of you making a sudden rush of excitement inside my tummy

As butterfly bumping around my stomach muscle

 

In 2 a.m. thoughts,

I recall a genunine things that firmly making a silly smirk in my face

First, a gentle snore on my lap, that tounge out of my dog

And a memoir of you, my dear happy place.

I really like the fact that I barely know you

Beside wine of a sip or two

 

That by the touch of surface is already pleasing

Or, is it because I barely know you?

 

That we both are virgin and that’s how it is sweet

I know none of the depth of your soul, beside what is appeal just simply captivating.

 

How fascinating!

 

Oh dear you, my dear.

Another meet will be a pleasure

And so simple talks, or a deep one

Either way, a thought of you and my longing

Is a happy place I would like to recall.

Ah tidak

Jika,

Seekor anak angsa terasing dari ibu dan ayahnya

jangan kan ibu dan ayahnya, tapi seluruh bangsa-nya.

Dan dalam keterasingan dia ber-unggas.

Mencoba menjadi unggas.

 

Tapi,

Ia tidak tahu paruhnya mengapa kuning.

Dan jenis cacing apa yang harus dia makan.

Ia tidak mengerti kakinya mengapa ceper

Dan mengapa tidak dapat digunakan memanjat.

Ia tidak paham sayapnya mengapa pendek kecil

Dan apakah dapat digunakan untuk berenang, terbang, berlari?

 

Ah tapi, dunia ini besar bukan? Banyak yang dapat dilihat, banyak yang dapat dipelajari.

Ada mahluk-mahluk lain hidup dan nyata ada disekitar.

 

Ia mencoba menggonggong seperti anjing

Tapi ia tidak bisa. Katupan paruhnya hanya mampu menyuarakan nada sumbang cempreng

Ia mencoba berlari kencang seperti kuda

Tapi ia tidak bisa. Kakinya terlalu pendek kecil langkahnya pun pendek

Ia mencoba terbang tinggi seperti elang

Tapi ia tidak bisa. Sayapnya pendeke dan kepakannya tidak mampu mengangkatnya lebih dari 2 cm dari tanah

Ia mencoba berenang seperti ikan

Tapi ia tidak bisa. Bulu-bulunya kemudian basah dan menenggelangkamnya ke danau.

 

Cukup dengan coba-coba, pikir anak angsa.

Tidak mampu aku bertindak seperti mahluk lain.

Menggonggong, berlari, berenang, terbang, tidaklah menjadi aktivitasku.

Tidak membantu diriku menjadi aku. Memfungsikan diriku.

 

Kembali ia berdiri di tepi sebuah kubangan air.

Ditatapnya pohon beringin rindang membayang diatasnya.

Diam dan diam saja, terkadang bergoyang saat angin kencang.

Seraya memperhatikan, ia diam saja. Terkadang bergoyang saat angin kencang.

 

Apakah aku sepatutnya diam dan hanya bergoyang saat angin bertiup kencang?

Harus kah ku rentangkah sayapku dan membiarkan ia tumbuh bercabang membuat tunas bulu-bulu baru?

Maka, dia berlaku demikian.

 

Ia merasa bodoh dan tidak berguna.

Tapi dengarkan pembelaannya,

Bahwa ini satunya hal yang ia dapat lakukan.

Berdiam menunggu dan bergoyang.

 

Anak angsa melihat refleksi dirinya pada kubangan air.

Dalam benaknya,

‘Atau, benarkah ini?’

It is 15 to twelve

And my thought is in longing of you
For sweet lite talk

With liquor sip and slip thru our lip

Oh, how much I wish it is more than that
As a recall wakes and lit the memoirs of mine

Of your rush presence, that luckily being capture

By a 10 seconds of snapchat history

And 2 secs of your existences.
It was fun

It was sweet

It was a fairy tale and thank God it remains as one

Like a sting

Snap and gone
It is all sweet and nice memoirs

All candy and chocolate
And thank God it remains that way

As this delicate memoirs I am not gonna touch 

It may falls to pieces

And no, I won’t let it happen
And yes I’m in profound with memoirs of you

Sweet delicate and gentle kiss of you, between nights, smokes, and wines.